A couple blog entries ago I had a realization. To be clear, I have always known about my codependency with my Mom. And, by ‘always’, I mean, since I started therapy 20 years ago and learned about all the dependencies. But, it was not until the other night that I became aware of just how codependent I am; and the multiple people I engage in codependency with…some healthy, some not-so-healthy. Codependent nonetheless.
The analytical part of me, which is ginormous if you haven’t noticed, wants and has tried to come to terms with this aspect of who I am. My personality trait. My character flaw. My idiosyncrasy. My habit. My vice. My coping tool. My downfall. My survival. My self-diagnosis. My self-awareness. There are just a myriad of ways I can look at this, this codependency.
I have always been friends with care-givers and my Mom was way too protective, for way too long…I know the deal. But, is it so bad that I need humans to be ok? I like to know what the important people in my life think about my choices and talk out decisions and details. I may not follow anyone’s advice, but I want to know what they think and sort of expect them to accompany me on the journey I choose. Last year me would say, ‘that is such selfish behavior!’, now I say it is just who I am. I accept my need for certain people in my life to sort of ‘partner up’ with me. I accept that these people want to be on this journey with me or they would use their free will to excuse themselves from it. Hell, I am certain some have already. It is not offensive, especially now that I see how widespread my codependency can get.
My ex-husband was so good at codependency, I now realize he may have some of his own issues with it. I never, ever thought of that before the other night. It helps me, because I have harbored a lot of guilt for divorcing a man that was supportive of me even at my worst. He had/has free will. He was willing to carry on in a sex-less marriage. He spent years being stagnant with me and never made any real changes with me, or on his own. He may have been just as lost and depressed as I was, now that I have the brain capacity to think of more than my own stuff. At that time in my life, I just plain did not have that ability. Surviving was the only goal.
I guess in summation: I am codependent and ok with it and I may have divorced my husband due to my own mental health issues, but it was for the best in the long run. I am not the woman he married June 3, 2005. Neither of us were the same after the Hurricane and we did the best with what we had and we loved each other. That will never be mistaken. He now has his own children, with a girl I fixed him up with and I know his journey is more fulfilled being a father than the husband of a woman who equated him to a really great brother.