All or Nothing

I have struggled with this ‘characteristic’ for a long time. Maybe forever, I can’t be certain. I go full speed or full stop. I am all in or all out. I want to live and learn like a toddler, or I want to sleep and stay unconscious as long as possible like a newborn. I will love you with my whole heart, or I will exclude you from it completely.

Needless to say, it is not easy for the people around me and takes a certain amount of patience and acceptance to be in my world. I used to worry about them, but now, I just appreciate them and make it my priority to give my all to those who have hung around through the very high highs and very low lows. And, in the same vein, I try to be understanding and understandable when I have to eliminate people from my world, or when I am eliminated. I did not choose to be this way. I have worked on balance, hell, I work on balance every moment I am awake. But, it doesn’t come easy for me and I am still trying to find my own way to achieve it.

After all, I am the one who has to deal with the after affects and the consequences and the feelings of failure and inadequacy, when I have been on top of my game and then back at the bottom. It is not easy being extremely helpful to everyone in your life to being codependent and helpless. But, what is easy is constant communication with your loved ones about your state of mind and your feelings and emotions. Your truth is always where you can find comfort. If you share that truth, others will feel comfort.

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